Failure

Published on Saturday, February 02 2019 • 2 minutes read

It's five thirty on a Saturday morning and too cold. It's happened many times that I simply fall asleep and realize waking up that I forgot to do the chores one does before going to bed, like right now. This is an edit from later in the day, but I realized the best way to start this would've been with Maroon 5's 'It was always You' - "Woke up sweating from a dream, with a different kind of feeling..." Dreams, clearly, fascinate me, and there's one theme that is prevalent in this regard, a test. I wouldn't say as a child that I were afraid of exams, but it was the aftermath that I was intimidated about. So much prep work for filling up a sheet of paper to show that you know stuff. During school it was the only thing I was responsible for, studying, so it didn't matter, I focused and just tried hard to get a good score without memorizing, just applying logic. Thinking back, I also came to realizing that I never kept time tables for exams as I see my younger cousins and friends do, it's something I feel like just wastes time and I'd rather get on with actually going and studying. But during college, especially the later semesters, I used to create timeline views for the exams and see on what day I could study what. But of course, it were just episodes of procrastination. And the plan went south-ways, every time. I still did alright. There was one test I screwed up real bad because I couldn't study for it pretty well (that's my excuse, XD) in my final semester when I got infected with chicken pox. So, what does happen in these dreams? The premise being, there is some test I haven't prepared for and the invigilator being a teacher who was pretty scary for a kid. That's a nightmare, right there. The dream itself is just about me and occasionally some other students going for this test and talking about other things but no one gives the test in the dream. It's all a big lead up but there's no actual test. But sometimes, it's these talks among the fellow test-takers that's the real meat. Inception has changed a lot of things about my dreams, I think about them so much logically now. These fellow test-takers are people from my life but there are some strangers as well. And any sort of comment they make is just how my perception about this person is, and that's because I'm dreaming about them. It's not who they really are. I have made harsh decisions based on my dreams before, and also shown anger on one person that person having done something that made me angry in my dream. Obviously, I've tried apologizing, but does it really mend the issue? That knot remains for a long time. I never like conflicts, be it in git or in real life. I'd rather apologize and get things fixed than keep an unspoken thing. But life shows us that no matter how hard you try, things get to you. At any point in life, there'll always be one person, who lets you pass and fail over and over again, every single day.